Womanhood

Some people say women are the most powerful human beings.

I have heard so many stories about struggles women especially go through in their marriages, as if being a wife and a mother is not stressful and frustrating enough. Some men say we were built to withstand all that. I for one count myself as very lucky. Why am I lucky? Because I know I made the honest right decision in choosing my husband, or at least that is how it seems for now, and nothing has changed since four years of being together.

I find it very intriguing that some African women tolerate a lot of BS from men they are married to. I would not lay the blame on them because, our society has deemed marriage the most important thing for an African woman. If you are lucky enough to have a husband, and even more lucky to bear a child, the society has the highest regard for you; and I must admit, this respect conferred unto you also makes you feel pretty good about yourself. But the most important question most women who are in abusive relationships or marriages fail to ask themselves is "is this worth my life and my time"? Truth be told, the societal importance and pressure of marriage on African women are slowly killing them. They basically sacrifice their happiness for that status. At my age, a lot of my friends are married, and through a lot of openness from most of them, I came to the conclusion that most African women marry for the absolute wrong reasons.

Why do some African women believe:

• it is "normal" and okay for your husband to have extramarital affairs, especially if the woman is aware of such affairs)

• it is normal for a man to slap you once a while if you do something stupid, and sometimes actually beat you up!

• no matter how many years he goes cheating, he will always come home because of my children

• I have to be in this marriage regardless, I have to sacrifice, especially for my children

• I have to be like the slave to my husband and/or his family because I'm the woman.

I mean, if you believe in any of the above, then you are married for the absolute wrong reasons.

Marriage is supposed to dignify and exalt you, it is supposed to make you feel you have some protection (and do not tell me your protection comes from the lord), marriage is supposed to make you a better person, not a bitter person, and most of all, it is supposed to make you happy. Yes, there are downsides to every marriage. Trust me, we all encounter some misunderstandings and problems here and there, but those are just what they are. They do not come anywhere close to infidelity, emotional abuse, physical abuse, and the rest.

Here is a checklist I always had even before I got married;

• My husband is supposed to ADORE, LOVE, and CHERISH me. If he looks at another woman the same way he looks at me or have intimacy with another woman, that is not love and adoration. It is purely betrayal, and he is a simple minded cheat and always will be.

• My husband is supposed to RESPECT me. Respect me enough that the thought of him losing me should be enough to deter him from doing certain things.

• My husband and I have to absolutely TRUST and have FAITH in each other; that means we both have passwords to each others social network accounts and phones; it does not mean either of us do not have a private life. What do we need a separate private life for while we have a joint private life together? Neither of us have anything to hide.

• My husband and I should have absolutely no SECRETS between us. Healthy couples are supposed to know each other very well and trust each other, and in doing so, neither of them want to hear something from someone else concerning either of them to be news, especially if it is of concern to either of them.

• My husband should HELP me when the need arises and especially if he has the means to. He should not be out with his friends or watching TV in the sitting room when he knows I have to make dinner, give food to the baby and bath the children. He can be of substantial help, especially if I tell him what to

• My husband is supposed to SUPPORT me. He should be my supporter financially, emotionally, physically, and all that needs supporting.

Those are the only things I required from my future husband although good looks, money, and sexual pleasure would be a plus. I got all of that in one man. Trust me, for me to had finally met my ideal husband, I had to kiss a handful of frogs, and yes ladies! such a man exists, as a matter of fact, so many of them exist. It takes a strong mind and a good will to wait on that man. I'm not saying he's perfect, he also has his flaws, but they are not flaws that will lead to depression and an early grave. Some of you women may say "well, good for you" and some may say "wait till it happens to you" and the wise ones will find some wisdom in what I'm expressing. But the most important questions you should ask yourself

• Am I happy?

• Is this how I want to live for the rest of my life?

• Is it worth it?

• Do I deserve this?

If you answered no to any of the above questions, then it is about time you started making changes. Do not take any BS from any man, unless of course you think you deserve that and even worse.

Sometimes I talk to married women and I ask them why they stay in the midst of all these, and some tell me:

• I'm still in it because of my children (trust me, that is not a healthy way and environment to bring up your kids)

• I love him (Love in marriage is mutual and reciprocal, if he does not feel the same way, endure the pain by leaving him. Trust me, you will get over him eventually, and even if you do not find anyone better or anyone at all, at least you know you are happy and fulfilled all by yourself)

• All men are the same (Who told you all men are the same? At least I can bear witness to the fact that none of the men I dated had a similar character or same principles). My dear, everyone is different.

• I'm jobless and cannot look after my children (There is the court and CHRAJ and other women and children advocates, let them deal with your case). Advice to women, do not solely depend on a man.

• Other people I know are in worse situations and are still staying (you are wiser and smarter than them).

• The word of God says marriage is for better and for worse (The word of God also says "husbands, love your wives" and the basis for divorce is adultery). Listen to the word of God.

• He has too much money and I cannot let another woman come and enjoy (so you want to torment yourself because of too much money, have you not heard of divorce and its support? And especially if you have children?) Be smart.

• My family will say I am a disgrace and some of them will laugh at me (are your family members the ones enduring all that you are? are you living your life to please them? Is any of them sacrificing thier happiness for you?) Be wise.

• He will eventually change and I know God will change him (haha! Joke of the century).

The excuses are many and lame. Women, empower yourselves and enjoy life to the fullest because the life we have is only one and we do not want to live and regret. I know a few women who took the bold initiative by not allowing themselves to be tortured and though not easy at all, left the marriage and have come to their self worth and self realization, and are doing way better than they used to. Be that woman, for you have more power and strength than you think. Be wise.